Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

  

Sunday. This is the day I dread every week because it's the day I began this new unplanned life, a life I never wanted. I relive the same experience every Sunday– the beeping of the life support machines; my children and grandchildren weeping; Brodie, the nurse, gently putting his hand on my back; someone calling “time of death”; the doctor embracing me and crying along with me; calling Meryl to tell her and hearing her sob. It just comes back to me, whether I want it to or not. It’s almost cathartic. Sometimes it’s as familiar as stubbing your toe or banging your knee and waiting to feel the excruciating pain, then having it slowly subside. Every Sunday. Maybe it’s to keep him alive in some way. Maybe it’s just to remind me I have to begin again–not just a new week, but a new life. Maybe in some way I believe this ritual can mend my broken heart. Can you mend a broken heart, though?

The days, weeks and months seem to be going by so quickly. I am getting closer to my 69th birthday. That’s the last birthday Mark had even though he refused to celebrate or even acknowledge his birthdays. I am determined, for my kids and grandkids, to make it to my 70th birthday and celebrate the hell out of that day. What I realize, though, is that I need to celebrate every day because every day is the most important day of your life. It has to be because it might be your last and you might as well make it good. 

This is why I’m officially taking myself off of the dating market. One reason is that dating at this age is like buying a used car. It comes with baggage, a history, it needs new parts, etc. etc. Another reason is that bad dates are not worth wasting my important days on. Of course I would like companionship, but I can get companionship with my amazing family and the wonderful friends I have. Does it “replace” what I had with my husband of 45 years…no, but I can never replace that, nor should I want to, because that was one in a million. I’m not saying I will never date again. I’m saying let it happen naturally, when I least expect it, when someone sees me and gets me and wants me and the chemistry is there. Maybe it will be on an elevator like that other woman I heard of (see last blog), although I don’t take many elevators these days.   

One thing I’m learning on this journey is what is filling my broken heart. And every day, that is happening because of the people I am blessed to have in my life, like Maryanne, my sister-in-law or widow sister who happened to be married to Mark’s younger brother who also died way too young. Or my cousin, Andrea, who always makes sure we catch up when she’s in Florida and we could talk and laugh endlessly.  

Last weekend we had a reunion of all the couples Mark and I hung out with at the very beginning of our marriage. Most of them I see often but Celia and Dean had driven down to visit from North Carolina, so we were all together again. For the first time it didn’t sting because Mark wasn’t there, it just made me happy to laugh with them about old times and wonderful memories and even talk about my dating escapades. Even though I was there as a single, I felt complete and loved. 

On Wednesday I returned to North Carolina to help out with my newest grandson, Julian as Kim makes the transition back to work. If there’s anything that can mend a broken heart, it would be my three grandchildren- my over-exuberant granddaughter, Lexi, who ran and jumped into my arms, almost breaking my knee and my grandson, Ryder, who is determined to do everything his papa would do for me, like open car doors and hold my hand to walk down the steps. And that baby, our Julian, who smiles right at me as if we're keeping a secret. He also loves my singing.  

On Friday, I hung out with my NC friends, Valerie, Kathleen, and Maureen. Actually, it was Valerie who really caused me to re-think my love life. She told me all the reasons I should love myself and if I were to find anyone romantically, they have to recognize all those reasons, too. She mentioned that I should find a matchmaker, to which my response was to sing the song, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof and then we started doing karaoke in her music room. I thought my new hearing aids (yes, even I need new parts) would help me sing better, but they didn’t. Anyway, it turned out to be a great Friday night. 

Can you mend a broken heart? No, you can't. Nor should you. A few days ago, I heard this quote from the gorgeous and sexy Liev Schreiber, There is nothing so whole as a broken heart. The quote is from a famous Hasidic Rabbi, Menachem Mendel, from Brooklyn. I looked up the meaning of the quote, which seems paradoxical. Here's what I found that I could relate to the most:

• Wholeness can be found through brokenness, rather than despite it. 
• The cracks in a broken heart are where true growth happens. 
• Brokenness is a part of life, and it makes us stronger– this idea is reflected in the Torah where Rosh Hashanah is called "yom teruah" a day of blowing the shofar.  The shofar is blown in a broken sound, which symbolizes the brokenness and vulnerability of relationships.  

My broken, unmended heart is full and I am growing as a person on this unwanted journey I am on. I am thankful for all the blessings and people in my life who have helped me to grow and have made me feel loved and included. Life can get messy, but it still goes on.